Images 001


Rabbit Trails:

1I’m searching for clarity —
for clearness of soul.
no “colored aura,”
But instead for pure light.
I want my spirit to be blinding,
I want my truth to be pure & free.
I want to grow up and out of this world,
to live with my head far above it
I want to have a higher perspective,
I want to be free from pain caused by fear,
I want to actually see things for what they are.

︎EN, 04/05/2020

2Natural Pearls form when an irritant - usually a parasite and not the proverbial grain of sand - works its way into an oyster, mussel, or clam. As a defense mechanism, a fluid is used to coat the irritant. Layer upon layer of this coating, called 'nacre', is deposited until a lustrous pearl is formed.


Chapter (1)


“How will I be true today?

I’ve been struggling with this — how to make art that matters, that will make a mark in eternity, not just a speck on earth. How do I do that? Is that a foolish goal for someone? Is it prideful to even have that as a bar to be set? Is that goal stopping me from actually creating?

No — it is “under the soil,” a seed in darkness, but growing. Keep mulling over these thoughts, keep sketching, keep learning how to let go. And the rest of the puzzle pieces will keep coming to you. The seed will break ground, it will keep growing, defying gravity, and pushing up into the air. It will bud, and it will blossom. It’ll be in time - keep pressing on.”

I think we all explore because we yearn to discover, to find -- but right now, I don’t even know what I’m looking for. What am I searching for?1 What is the end goal of my searching? And in these questions, I’m finding a difference between discovery and exploration. In my mind, discovery is pointed, it is Frodo on his journey to Mordar. It is an intentional journey that has an end goal, and there is discovery along the way. It is a problem that needs to be solved. We all know the end of the story, so although there may not be clear steps along the way, there is some kind of direction to walk; as opposed to my experientially-defined exploration, which has no sure destination.

During and after college, I knew I wanted to do art, to be an illustrator. I didn’t feel like it was a talent or gift that I was born with, that I carried and was confident in all my life, but I was curious. It felt exciting and personal, like it was mine and no one else validated it in me to make it mine. I incorporated art into my University projects, had deadlines, and discovered. My goal was to graduate, and to do well in each class. I was guided, directed, and had a clear path towards those goals. After graduating, my goal was met, but I was left with WHAT TO NOW DO?

Since then, I’ve been consuming so much art + creative business content, obsessed with strategy and treating it like a puzzle itself -- how do I conquer it? How do I hack it? My natural personality is NOT pointed, it is not strategic, or goal-oriented, it is not futuristic. So this consumption has been an attempt to grow in becoming strategic and goal-oriented. All the while, still trying to be authentic and genuine. I’m exploring (but not yet discovering) what my artistic voice is.

But wow, does it feel vulnerable. How do I merge my strength of being an idealistic dreamer with my weakness of not be practical. How do I make what I feel tangible -- how do I bring into reality something that doesn’t have any words yet? Right now, it is all inside. It is isn’t pointed, it isn’t clear. It’s a spread-out cluster of post-it notes on the floor of a million ideas. But is that the point? Is that my “voice” for now? -- sharing in my un-pointed “exploration?”

“Vulnerability is how you grow.” Yes, it is... But it is UNCOMFY. And especially while kicking false humility (aka passively-communicated insecurity) out of the conversation. I don’t feel worthy of the title “Illustrator” or “art explorer,” so therefore I am embarrassed to act like one. Even writing this, my internal eyes roll and my shoulders cringe. It feels ugly, to say that. It feels weak, because it is. I would rather act “cool” and pretend like I am confident, because I would feel more comfy doing that than making it seem like I am asking for affirmation, which I desperately am NOT.

I just want to make art that matters. And I am quietly aware that I am not there yet. But where I am at is a place of exploration, of being at the beginning. And my conclusion from that realization is that I would like to take people with me, so share in this un-pointedness and hopefully involve others in finding my artistic voice, finding what value I can give, and going somewhere.

So here I sit, a proverbial grain of sand in an oyster, hoping to become a pearl.2 Inviting the agitation and unknown, the trying and the exploring; inviting you to come with.

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